Always - Vantascest
by kk-kiran
Summary: humanstuck, Karkat has anger management problems as well as Tourette's. He finds it hard to calm down. Kankri is currently trying to manage the house himself, as well as their alcoholic father. He's often stressed out. (there's a bit of violence but it's not too bad, just a trigger warning)


humanstuck, Karkat has anger management problems as well as Tourette's. He finds it hard to calm down. Kankri is currently trying to manage the house himself, as well as their alcoholic father. He's often stressed out. (there's a bit of violence but it's not too bad, just a trigger warning)

* * *

It was morning. Karkat was writing in a random notebook he'd simply just plucked out of his bag. He had some things he wanted to get off of his chest and there was no way he was going to go through with it by talking about it to someone, but he felt he had to get it out somehow, and he was not planning to break something again.

_OKAY I KNOW IT'S KIND OF DUMB AND STUPID TO OWN A DIARY BUT I MIGHT AS WELL IF I WANT TO GET THIS OUT IN ANY WAY. MY BEST FRIENDS WON'T UNDERSTAND…THEY'RE TOO BUSY WITH THEIR OWN "NORMAL" BULLSHIT TO REALLY CONCERN THEMSELVES WITH ME. NOT TO MENTION THEY'VE GOT CRUSHES OF THEIR OWN.  
BUT WELL, RECENTLY I'VE DEVELOPED A CERTAIN CRUSH ON A CERTAIN SOMEONE. IT'S DUMB BUT I DON'T WANT TO WRITE IT IN HERE YET. IT'S NOT LIKE I'VE FOUND A SECRET AND SECURE PLACE TO PUT THIS THING. GOD I SOUND DUMB. AS IF ANYONE'S GOING TO WANT TO READ WHAT I'M WRITING. WHATEVER._

He stopped writing, slipping the book into his backpack before sighing at himself and slinging it onto his shoulder, walking out of his dark-colored room.

Kankri was downstairs, cooking a vegan breakfast which would probably taste bland and disgusting if he weren't such a pro with spices. Karkat walked into the kitchen, eyes still tired and hair still messy; it was always messy though, until he slid on a beanie. "MORNING..." He said tiredly before sitting down at the table, slouching.

"Hey, h9w was y9ur sleep?" Kankri seemed cheery, as he was every morning, and he served Karkat his meal with a grin.

Karkat put on his trademark beanie. "OKAY..." He mumbled and he looked down at the food Kankri made. "WHAT'S THIS?"

He shrugged. "I'm...n9t exactly sure. S9me s9rt 9f...fake meat?"

He sniffed at it. "SMELLS LIKE TOFU…" He said, he knew this because he hanged out with a few girls that ate it instead of meat for protein reasons. He ate a piece of it, swallowing the bite. "IT'S GOOD." He spoke somewhat halfheartedly as he continued to eat it bit by bit.

"G99d, I'm glad." He kissed Karkat's forehead, sitting next to him and eating some too.

Karkat blushed lightly before checking his phone quickly. "UGH, MESSAGE ME BACK." he muttered at the phone before putting it away. There was a bit of a pause as he watched kankri eat while eating some himself. "THANKS…" He added, wanting Kankri to know he appreciated the hospitality.

"Y9u're welc9me..." He answered. He didn't like being nosy, but it was his job as Karkat's main guardian. "S9...expecting s9mething 9n y9ur ph9ne?" He asked, looking somewhat curious.

"JUST A MESSAGE FROM A FRIEND ABOUT MANAGEMENT CLASS, HE SAID IT MIGHT BE CANCELLED TODAY." He was referring to the anger management classes he took every week. "Asshole…" He said this under his breath, his Tourette's showing.

Kankri reached over and stroked Karkat's hand with his thumb, looking concerned. "Hey...calm d9wn. H9w a69ut I drive y9u t9day? My car just g9t 9ut 9f the sh9p."

Karkat's blush darkened the tiniest bit as his hand was stroked, instantly calming him. "Y-YEAH, OKAY..." He wavered out before he continued to eat.

He stroked Karkat's hand for a bit longer before going back to his food, his stress now giving him a bit of a migraine. He pinched the bridge of his nose in pain for a minute.

When Karkat was finished with his breakfast he got up, going to grab a drink from the fridge. "WHERE'S THE JUICE?" He asked as he poked around inside.

"I think dad used it all..." He sighed, squinting a bit from the headache. Their father was an alcoholic and often used up all the juice and pop in the house as chasers.

Karkat let out a bit of a disappointed groan. "GREAT." He said sarcastically before he chewed on his lip to try and prevent another swear from coming out, settling for water.

"I'll pick s9me up later..." He basically whined as he buried his face into his palms, migraine getting worse.

He drank some water before he answered him. "YOU DON'T HAVE TO, IT'S FINE." He felt kinda bad for making Kankri so stressed...

"N9...It's alright. I d9n't mind, s9me9ne needs t9 6uy gr9ceries anyways..." He explained, rubbing his temples.

Karkat sighed, finishing the water and setting the glass down on the counter. "C'MON, WE'RE GONNA BE LATE..." He encouraged as he checked his appearance in a mirror quickly.

Kankri got up, he looked tired and a little sick. "9kay..." He responded weakly and got up, heading toward the garage door.

He watched Kankri walk toward the door, looking into the mirror and frowning as well as muttering swears. Why was he such an inconvenience to care for? He felt like a huge burden to Kankri, which brought his anger back quickly. It rose up bit by bit in slow motion and he had a flash of rage run through him, making him shake with malice. He wanted to hurt himself for being such a fucking idiot. He wanted to make himself just go away so Kankri didn't have to put up with his nonsense. He felt simply sick with self hate. He just wanted that idiot in the mirror to be fucking gone. He felt like he'd lost all control before punching the mirror in front of him, it forming a crack, it felt good at first and got his anger out but it began hurting a few seconds later, two of his knuckles bleeding a little. "MM-AH.." He winced out, clenching his teeth.

Kankri stopped in the doorway, quickly running over to him and pulling him into a loose hug before holding out his palm. "Let me see." He requested, worry in his voice.

He held out his hand, which felt as if it were throbbing, still keeping it in a loose fist. He stared down at his now-bleeding knuckles, looking somewhat shocked. "S-SORRY I..UH.." He sputtered, surprised at the power his punch had.

Kankri simply frowned and pulled a tissue out of his pocket, wiping up the blood gently. His silence said a thousand words to him, all of them being negative. His frustration and anger boiled up again, a fear of disappointing everyone with his violent anger issues ate away at him and he gave himself a facepalm, muttering under his breath again. "Fuck, shit, fuck." He let his hand slide off his face before sighing, brooding now. "I'M JUST A HANDFUL AREN'T I?" He admitted, looking down at the floor.

"Shh..." He hushed, kissing his cheek. "I w9uldn't have it any 9ther way..."

He couldn't help but blush at that, watching Kankri wipe up the blood before glancing at the clock worryingly, Kankri hated him being late, however, He didn't seem to notice the time. He hugged him in silence for a long while. Karkat hugged him back, enjoying the feeling of his chest against his and Kankri's arms around him, his wool turtleneck warming him more then before through his thin long-sleeve shirt.

"9h... we sh9uld get g9ing huh?" He let go of him and chuckled nervously. Karkat let go and nodded slightly, snaking his other arm through the strap of his backpack before following Kankri into the garage, feeling his journal poke at his back and remind him of what he wrote this morning, making him even more nervous then before.

They both stayed silent the entire ride, awkward tension settling over both of them like a thick fog. The silence was only broken when Kankri parked, smiling at him. "Call me when y9u need t9 6e picked up." He told him, trying to appear confidant and level-headed for now. Karkat nodded, still feeling bad for this morning and getting out, shutting his door behind him and walking toward the building at his own pace.

Karkat was quieter today than most, his stomach hurt and he felt like he couldn't talk to anyone...he decided to write about what happened in the little journal during his spare time, thinking that might get it off his mind.

_SO TODAY I PUNCHED A MIRROR. I CUT TWO OF MY KNUCKLES AND KANKRI HAD TO CLEAN THEM FOR ME. I REALLY NEED TO START CONTROLLING MY ANGER BETTER, BUT THE CLASSES AREN'T HELPING SO MUCH AS A LOT OF PEOPLE THOUGHT._

He paused writing for a moment, thinking before writing more.

_KANKRI'S THE ONE I WAS TALKING ABOUT BEFORE, MY CRUSH. EVEN THOUGH WE'RE BROTHERS...AND PEOPLE MIGHT MAKE FUN OF ME FOR IT. KIND OF LIKE WHEN THEY MADE FUN OF MY HAIR, BUT A THOUSAND TIMES WORSE. GOD I WANT TO TELL EVERYONE AND HAVE THEM JUST BE__**OK**__ WITH IT._

He stopped writing, putting the book back. Eventually school as well as anger management class ended, and Karkat took his phone out, dialing the house. Kankri answered after a few rings. "H-Hell9?" He sounded exhausted and weary, instantly worrying him. "KANKRI? ARE YOU OKAY?" He asked, his concern awaking a slight nervous shake within him.

"Karkat? Yes, 9f c9urse... why w9uldn't I 6e?" He was lying, there was an obvious quaver in his tone, as if he didn't even believe it himself.

"YOU SOUND TIRED...FORGET IT I'LL JUST WALK HOME." He declared. He hung up before Kankri could protest, starting on his way.

Kankri frowned when he heard the other end go dead, his stress and sadness consuming him. He sat at the kitchen table, crying silently. He thought he could do it, be responsible and take charge but nothing was helping. Not only did he feel like he was losing his faith as well as losing Karkat to his anger more and more each day, but he had no idea exactly how to help him...the classes were a bit of an improvement at first, but now they seemed to be less then productive...not to mention their dad oftentimes came home drunk and tried to overtake him, which he refused to let Karkat see or know about for fear of him only getting more aggressive. Plus the amount of money they were down to was awfully low. Bills weren't being paid...he couldn't find a job...everything was just too much. He pulled his knees close to his chest, folding his hands together and silently prayed for something to help them, anything. Anything at all...

When Karkat got in the door several minutes later he looked around, being careful to be quiet, finding his dad asleep on the couch and tiptoeing past him into the kitchen. He found Kankri sitting there and reached out to touch his shoulder as he approached him. "K-KANKRI?" He questioned softly as his worried hand rested on Kankri's shoulder.

He took a deep breath and wiped away his tears before smiling up at him with unbelievable force. "9-9h hey Karkat... welc9me h9me. H-..." He sniffled. "H9w was y9ur day?" He asked, trying to seem okay for his brother. Seeing Kankri so sad ate away at Karkat, leaving a mixture of sadness and anger in his stomach. He hugged him tightly, and Kankri returned it, concerned. "I-Is everything 9kay?" He asked Karkat, who was unsettled himself now.

"M-ME? WHAT ABOUT YO U?!" He almost yelled, tears threatened to spill themselves and his voice crackled some, his sadness overwhelming. Kankri smiled weakly. "D9n't w9rry a69ut me..." All of this may have been too much to bear, but he was going to make sure Karkat was okay before anything else. He felt he owed it to him for screwing up like this...

"HOW C-CAN I NOT? YOU LOOK SO...BROKEN..." He hated admitting it, but it was true. He squeezed him tighter and clenched his teeth, a single tear of his own spilling from his eye, Followed by several more. "D-D9n't cry 9ver me..." Kankri replied, feeling as if he might start crying too and he pulled Karkat into his lap, trying to calm him.

He was unable to stop his tears, whispering swears under his breath again and holding Kankri, feeling like he'd really fucked up. He'd made it worse for him by flipping out every odd chance of the day...it was bad enough he had to look after their dad, whom of which he remembered seeing throw a beer bottle at Kankri when he tried to swipe it away. He knew Kankri only wanted to protect him and that's why he never asked for help, but it was still painful to imagine it possibly happening when he wasn't there to stop him...the idea that he was the one to finally push Kankri this far over the edge, was frustrating as fuck and yet all he could do was sit there and cry while being held in his lap. Pathetic.

"I l9ve y9u... and I... I'm s9rry."

Upon hearing this sentence his swears as well as thoughts immediately sputtered to a stop and he looked up at Kankri, more tears visible in his eyes, and wondered if he'd heard him correctly. "WHAT?"

Kankri shut his eyes, shaking his head and wiping his tears away. "N-N9thing, nevermi nd."

Karkat looked down and thought to himself for a moment before looking back up at his big brother. Desire replaced his doubt and he moved close to him, their faces only inches away by the time Kankri opened his eyes again, biting his bottom lip. He felt tempted to give it all up then and there, not worrying about what might happen in the future. This desire to have him overwhelmingly overtook him almost as if his previous vows to the church meant nothing anymore. He gazed into Karkat's eyes as Karkat gently brushed his hair with his fingers before leaning in closer, shutting his eyes and pressing his lips against Karkat's. Karkat kissed him gently, feeling all of his nervousness and sadness rip away, replaced with deep affection and longing. He felt Kankri wrap his arms around his waist as he kissed back, a small and soft 'mm..' emanating from him. Karkat blushed at the soft moan, wrapping one arm around his neck while keeping another in his hair. He never wanted this to end, adding his tongue in, and he licked into his mouth while grazing their tongues together.

Kankri's eyes widened and he broke the kiss as his pants tented. "9-9h...shit..." He said as he cringed slightly, blushing. Karkat chuckled at him when he saw, still breathing kind of hard from the sudden rush of previously hidden feelings. He bit his lip before somewhat hesitantly stroking the lump in his pants and blushed darkly. "K-Karkat...w-we..." He was cut off by his cringes, letting out more soft moans as Karkat continued, watching Kankri. He smirked at him.

"We... We c-can't d9 this can we?" Kankri finished, face flushed completely. Karkat moved in close to his ear, pausing his strokes for the moment. "WHAT'S STOPPING US?" He whispered, completely consumed by lust as he stroked him again, harder than before. Kankri cringed again. "W-Wait... Sh-Sh9uld we m9ve upstairs...at least?" Karkat suddenly remembered his dad being asleep in the next room and nodded, getting off of his lap. Kankri took his hand before walking upstairs awkwardly as Karkat tried to stifle a laugh, following him and pulling off his beanie.

He stepped into his bedroom, sitting on the bed and looking at the younger male, who straddled his lap and grinned at him before kissing him again, which he returned, twisting a hand into Karkat's hair. Karkat slipped his hand back to the crotch of his pants, stroking it again and earning a small moan from Kankri, causing the kiss to break. He licked at Kankri's lips a little before pulling away, reaching down to undo the button on Kankri's pants with a smirk. Kankri laid back as Karkat pulled his pants and underwear off, revealing his erect cock and blushed dark, kissing the tip before taking it into his mouth a little. Kankri responded with a slightly louder moan and he couldn't help but thrust into his mouth slightly. Karkat licked at it as he sucked, eventually taking it further and further, moans of his own vibrating against it every once in a while, himself peaking as well and his hand itching to touch himself. Karkat could already taste Kankri's precum.

"K-karkat... I want y-y9urs..." Kankri requested, breathing fast. Karkat stopped briefly, not even thinking twice before stripping himself of his clothing and positioning himself so Kankri could have his as well as he could have him, lowering his head and taking Kankri in his mouth again. Kankri placed his hands on Karkat's lower back, pushing him down and taking his shaft into his mouth. "Mm, f-" Karkat moaned out, muffled by Kankri's dripping with precome cock.

Kankri pushed him down even more, taking Karkat as deep into his mouth as he could, he gagged slightly, but enjoyed it none the less. Karkat felt his knees wobble slightly, almost forgetting how to suck from the pleasure, getting close now as he continued to moan against him. Karkat took him further, reaching the point where he couldn't anymore and feeling himself gag somewhat. He was unable to warn Kankri before he came in his mouth, moaning loudly.

Kankri gagged a bit, swallowing the cum. He pulled Karkat off of him before cumming too, some of it splattering on his sweater and bedding. Karkat watched him cum before he licked his lips and lay beside Kankri, smirking and breathing hard.

"I can't 6elieve we just did that..." Kankri said after a bit of a pause, his worry returning. How could he be so foolish as to let his desires get the best of him, especially after he'd kept it for so very long?

"NETHER CAN I..." Karkat responded, playing with some strands of Kankri's hair and smiling somewhat. He began to get scared that Kankri would leave him for this, so he gave him a reassuring smile. Small as it may have been, he felt Kankri might've needed it.

"W-We can't tell **ANY9NE**." Kankri declared, a bit wide-eyed out of fear.

Karkat almost protested this before thinking about it a moment, thinking of everyone's reactions before shaking his head. "NO..." He consented, still stroking his hair.

"I-I d9n't even think we can d9 this... n-n9t again..." Kankri admitted, feeling bad for shooting him down like this but at the same time hoping for him to understand. Karkat looked a bit sad at that, though he understood Kankri's strict Christianity, it still kind of hurt. "B-BUT I LOVE YOU..." He said weakly, hugging him.

Kankri pried Karkat off of him gently. "We're 6r9thers..." Saying this hurt even more, even if it was true.

Karkat felt more tears threaten to show, becoming somewhat angry now. "I THOUGHT YOU TOLD ME GOD LOVES EVERYONE AND FORGIVES YOUR SINS...WHY SHOULD THAT BE ANY LESS TRUE FOR U S?"

Kankri looked down, regretting saying all this, but knowing it was for the best. "C-Cause its wr9ng t9 l9ve wh9 y9ur related t9 like this, it's even w9rse that we're 69th 69ys..."

Karkat felt like he'd been punched in the gut, tears dripped slowly as he pulled Kankri's chin back up to his level with a finger. "I WOULD GO TO HELL A BILLION TIMES IF IT MEANT I'D GET TO HAVE YOU FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE..." He paused, looking into his eyes before kissing him shortly. "GOD WILL FORGIVE YOU, I KNOW HE WILL...AND EVEN IF HE DOESN'T, I'LL BE RIGHT BESIDE YOU ANYWAYS...TO MAKE IT ALL BETTER..."

Kankri looked into those dark, tear stained eyes and longed to make him feel better again...everything he was saying was true, however Kankri still felt hesitant. There was no guarantee that they'd be together in Hell at all, but he supposed all that mattered was that they'd be together now...he smiled, nodding and held him close. "I l9ve y9u."

As Karkat was pulled into Kankri's arms he smiled, his tears turning happy. "I LOVE YOU TOO..."

"6e my...my 69yfriend?" Kankri asked, stroking his back.

He blushed, nuzzling him. "ALWAYS..."


End file.
